he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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