I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
