I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
