No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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