i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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