I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
