my soul wont recognize me after tonight
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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