I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
two words: eviction party
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
