he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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