He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
