there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
