somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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