At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
