I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
