apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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