They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
