I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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