are you so shy because you have an std?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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