she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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