I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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