Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
