Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Randomize
