Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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