i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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