don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
