how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
