i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I think a kid would responsible me up
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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