Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
