That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
