hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
