my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I think a kid would responsible me up
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
