my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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