I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
