Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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