some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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