Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
