I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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