new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
