we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
