apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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