Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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