If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
