i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
