My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
So squirting runs in the family.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
