Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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