I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
