the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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