I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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