the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
