does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
