I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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