I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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