in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
