She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
