2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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