fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize