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I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
