you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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