My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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