Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
