I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
