Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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