I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize