Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
