As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
