Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
