I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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