i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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