Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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