Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
